[invention]

one of my favourite things about life is that change is inevitable. no matter what, the world presses on. I am sure I wound not have been able to persevere in the past had this rule of time not been placed carefully at the very back of my mind. In consideration, this may have been a factor pre-eighteen. I believed in some alternate dimension where the permanence of life's folds and events were unbearable. And then, there it was; change.
Again and again and again. Time could give a fuck if you care, everything is always evolving or devolving. It doesn't matter because it just is different. and thank gawd. my heart could not take it any other way.
In the same vein, knowing my mortality is limited, lightens me. I pour into everything else, as it poured into me. when I do get in the throes of it, i remind myself again (and again) that I am impermanent. I am simply whatever I am in that exact moment. I think, when there is something constant in ones life, something that hurts, it is good to remember.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MhVqvb3jG4

[lazy wednesday]

I'm not trying to be quite so pathetic but it is ending up that way: I have a terrible head cold and an ear ache, I'm on the rag, James is gone, work hours have doubled, and I should be doing all sorts of important things for my classes.
Oh well. The bunnies are extra snugly today and I have the warmest soup to eat for dinner. I think I'll knit and make fabric ornaments for the walls. Because James is gone, I shouldn't watch star trek TNG without him. I might start at the begining of deep space nine, I remember liking it originally, even if everyone was infinitely less sleazy and silly.
I should make cookies and warm liquors for this weekends party but I'd rather curl into my plum couch and pet paul's giant cat head.

[want one]

I want a gimlet. but i also want something toasty. Except i think you are only supposed to make hot drinks with dark liquors, which I am not good at mixing. hot buttered rum. that I can do but it takes about a year to make and i do not have that sort of time. It is already a quarter to three. I want tea and liquor. i don't want a long island. hot tea. fuck. I don't know what i want. my throat hurts, it is all coated in snot and fluids. I don't want anymore cough drops because the sugary film stays on the backs of my teeth. I can feel it for days.

I didn't talk to james on the phone yesterday. in the evening i got high but i wasn't really prepared and I was distracted and I don't think I'm very good at smoking pot. I haven't figured out all the tricks. I am sure there are tricks. anyway, i got too high, i threw up a little and felt suffocated until I went outside. i even splashed water in my face; apparently people do that. i missed james' call because I was trapped in a third floor bedroom on a hammock with my friends. this is silly.

I don't want to work or write an essay or solve math equations. I want meowie to keep purring and playing with my knee, I want her hair to fly around the air and stick to everything. I want it to be night out. I want stars and constellations. i want to see the crescent moon. and drink tea and drink red wine and kiss james.

[knit and purl]

James left for the airport early this am. I woke at four and kissed him standing up, he looked sleepy and rumpled and professional. He flies in his work clothes just in case his luggage gets lost. He is the most clever. He went out the door and I heard bunnies making protest in the kitchen. Somehow they'd overturned the garbage can and were scavenging for sugar icing, I am sure.
I went back to sleep and woke up lonely at nine. Sunday's without James are somewhat of a waste. Wait, most days without James are somewhat of a waste. It is just that he is darling and we are quite at our best when together. You know how that is.

I guess I can eat cookies and glue snowflakes to windows and knit with the whitest yarn, for the next week. I suppose finals will take up time. or not. If the bunns continue on this hyper rampage then my time will go there. At any rate, one entire week is too long. I'm not sure why we do this parting thing. I should have flown with him and spent the seven days tucked in a hotel bed, eating barbecue in the evenings, wearing cowboy hats and boots, drinking beer.

Oh, I will be around this week.

sometimes i am just not good at the world.
I don't know if it helps or hinders that I work from home now but it definitely lessens my anxiety. Whether it is all momentum... I don't really want to know.

I go to school because I have to. Everything is split into two:
allowed to avoid|not allowed to avoid.
for reasons not always explainable, certain tasks or outings end up in one or the either. I have to go out later tonight, but i'll be protected by james and closed in spaces, that is allowed. I have yoga in half an hour but I am sitting in my kitchen nook by the window and the only space I can allow myself to fathom is the expanse beyond the glass. [the yoga room is too big. I can't wear a sweater because I get warm. my hip is tired.] I am panicky about going out more than twice in one day. there is no safety in yoga. Once there I know I will reach the 45 minute mark as always, and spend the rest of the class relaxed. But getting to that point is tiresome and holeing up is so much easier.

[just]

I'm anxious today. I would like winter break and warm drinks.

James and I are throwing our annual Hibernation Party in a couple weekends. I need to spruce everything up for over-eating and cozy sitting. I have lists of chirtmas infused ideas. everything smells like pine and cinnamon.

i'm making mashed sunchokes for dinner, I should go buy an onion but I don't have any money. How silly.

oh, I am just tired.